| and as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow it's loneliness she finds... |
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[19 Apr 2006|01:32am] |
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the nede to be loved, to love, to be touched, held, loved. to be loved. to know that you have a place to run to. a place to be safe. because you cant find that peace within yourself. the degration. abuse. what the fuck am i doing? and why can't i stop? It hurts to breath. the silence i have given to myself. it weighs me down. soaked. frozen. alone. maybe its not so bad after all.
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[03 May 2005|04:15pm] |
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In space the stars are no nearer
Just glitters like a morgue
And I dreamed I was a spaceman
Burned like a moth in a flame
And our world was so fucking gone
I'm not attached to your world
Nothing heals, nothing grows
I'm not attached to your world
Nothing heals, nothing grows
Because it's a great big white world
And we are drained of our colors
We used to love ourselves,
We used to love one another
All my stitches itch
My prescriptions low,
I wish you were queen
Just for today
In a world that's so white what else could I say?
And hell was so cold
All the vases are so broken
And the roses tear our hands all open
Mother Mary, miscarry
But we pray just like insects
And the world is so ugly now
Because it's a great big white world
And we are drained of our colors
We used to love ourselves,
We used to love one another
All my stitches itch
My prescriptions low,
I wish you were queen
Just for today
All my stitches itch
My prescriptions low,
I wish you were queen
Just for today
In a world that's so white what else could I say?
It's a great big white world
And we are drained of our colors
We used to love ourselves,
We used to love one another
All my stitches itch
My prescriptions low,
I wish you were queen
Just for today
All my stitches itch
My prescriptions low,
I wish you were queen
Just for today
In a world that's so white what else could I say?
-great big white world
i am not deleting this journal, but this will be the last time I post anything in it. I can not even begin to explain how much LJ has given to me, and then stripped it all away from me. And as far as those NIN tickets go, keep them. if anyone needs to get in touch with me my sn is yourvixenvomits...
so i will end with one of my very first posts...sometime in 2003
In the harmless crystal made
Mad on your lips, sewn by decay
And night, in the emblem
Of pedants with exploding luggage
and gauges for elegance,
In the subscpiption of hearts
In the strangled teeth of work
In the judgment of each word
In the end, pretend you hear me.
It never stops. never. now.
So many times i thought it was over and so many times i hated him more than anyone that has ever lived and loved him more than anyone i have ever known. What could i have been thinking of, saying what I said?
None knows what they have been or will be. Each day changes without changing. Do you know what I am saying?
This is real silence.
He made me cry harder but laugh softer
and turned my lines of beauty and love into codes of identification. His security is maintained in the detection of a flawed meter, and messages of coercion and betrayal and delivered in iambics. So I rest me case and maybe he will call me or write me on May 25. Maybe not. But I will be there. I will be sitting on those rocks waiting for our past. The last image has begun to fade.. and I will use the next boy as a platform for my mirror because in my mirror gives off no reflection...
a beautiful doll that sleeps without air.
exposed, she will glitter.
So. I will finish my tears and stop my poetic crap and close by singing...
"Be gentle with this delicate treasure
That can both hurt and heal at such great measure
This key will open the floodgates: my hope, fear and love,
But it will send it all back on the virgin wings of a dove..."
Thank You for everything
-Little Red Riding Hood-
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[02 May 2005|07:42am] |
"...and they can call me crazy if i fail
all the chance that i need
is one-in-a-million
and they can call me brilliant
if i succeed
gravity is nothing to me
moving at the speed of sound
i'm just gonna get my feet wet
until i drown..."
-Ani Difranco
sometimes i am so comfortable in my bed it's overwhelming and i become extremely restless and rub my legs together and press my face into my pillow and let my senses run wild. although, its very painful when i sleep naked because more often that not my nipple rings get caught in my lovey. i'm pretty sure that the body pillow that dan bought me for our 6th month anniversary was the best present i've ever recieved, especially now because it's early in the morning, i'm lonley and it smells like keith. i am going to spend the entire day in the darkroom developing the pics I took at our protest, which (by the way) made it to the Metro...i'm not sure who i was talking about when i said "our" but anyway...shafer, if you don't have anything nice to say...then please, for gods sake, don't say it. on another note, i need to get rid of this adderall...anyone?
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[01 May 2005|05:37pm] |
yay anti-capitalism!
it just keeps getting better.
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[30 Apr 2005|10:20pm] |
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everything feels so right. i am so happy that I want to cry. i just needed to document this. that is all.
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[30 Apr 2005|04:41pm] |
- last night was the perfect second to last firday night of my freshman year at BU
- alia and i want on an adventure to find a fetish/sex store
- saw a fight happen 2 feet in front of me
- saw a chick get her tounge pierced
- bought hot pink fish nets and a black lace garnet belt and carebare flip flops
- saw lots of people in love, esp lesbians
- confronted a man who asked me for a dollar to "get a ride home" haha oh god...then i saw him like 5 min later with his "possie" outside of the resturant alia and i were in...and yes, i let him know what i thought of him...
- cop asked me what my fetish was
- i got kicked out of a porn store becuase i wasent 21?!?
- got kicked out of a store in china town cause apparently asking for "cat ears" is extremely offensive "OUT! NOW!"
- ate lox!!!
- had a retarded man walk me to a costume store when i lost alia and had no idea where i was
came home-
- took shots with lizz
- met keith :) and smoked a bowl with him and lizz on the grass and proceded to get drunk
- im not really sure what happened next but we ended up at a party...got kicked out...went to a sketchy house to use their bathroom...
- saw lots and lots of college drunks
- felt slightly popular
- talked with keith on the grass with alia for a few hours
- snuck keith into my building....
- and the rest is history.
i am covered in sprinkles. finally, my heart has healed. fragments. connected at the brain. Taty, i don't know where these tears come from but I feel them too.
my body pillow will no longer suffice.
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[29 Apr 2005|12:23pm] |
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the school year is almost over and for the first time in my life i have friends of substance who speak of random ideas, intellectual theories and seek progression but are just as lost in the motions as I am (or so i would like to believe) i have reflected on my past and fantasized about my future and honestly I am beginning to remember... I remember everything.
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[29 Apr 2005|03:23am] |
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i wish i was a tree.
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[24 Apr 2005|05:09pm] |
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that is what my new icon is supposed to look like. it's actually pretty pathetic if you notice the book right next to my cleavage. i am a horrible person. so i was going to stop writing in this but lizz insisted, and so here I am once again. this weekend has once again been completely insane. I think i have lost my mind, somewhere inbetween here (my BU bed) and the train station. I am going to the dresden dolls at the Paradise at 8pm with Alex, Dave, Andrew and Alia and between now and then I have to write a 5 page paper, shower, and get drunk. oh, college. I find out today if i get that job in Minn...6 people are applying for the same position. i'm not sure what i will be doing this summer if I do not get this job. sell my soul, maybe? I came home for a night on firday and it was insane. i wish to never return to RI again. lizz was right when she said that my fetish and desire to be loved unconditionally by an equal are conflicting. this is very true and seems to be the prevalent problem in my emotional life right now. after andrew and I shared a bowl at 3am last night I came back to my empty dorm room and broke down crying. i'm not sure why I did this but shafer IMed me and pleaded with me that he was going to run in the rain to my room and stand outside my window and call me until i came down so he could give me a hug and a shoulder to cry on. and as nice as that sounded i completely rebuffed his proposal because i knew any sort of affection would send me to hysteria. i am afraid to let anyone into my heart because i fear that I will be hurt again which is ironic because what i need most right now is to be loved and cared for, which is what i have been recieving, but not on the emotional level that i was once used to.
it was accidentlly on purpose
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[22 Apr 2005|01:00am] |
i will miss BU terribly.
i wuv you :)
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[21 Apr 2005|11:57pm] |
Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see,
See through it all,
See through,
And see you.
So I threw you the obvious
Do you see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel
Eyes of a tragedy
Well, oh well..
Apparently nothing.
Apparently nothing at all.
-APC
the story of my life.
i feel nothing. my soul has been raped.
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[21 Apr 2005|01:13am] |
anal sex with god [31 Oct 2003|09:58am]
cow licks and milk shakes
and you are no more than an action
built and enhanced we are the creation,
the creator, the sinner, the being within
you and I are constructs of time and lust
surrounded by a race to live that kills and a
race to finish that's infinite with theories
you say that everything is believing
and the facts are prettier in the light of denial
and opinions are beautiful only to the theories we create
and I will understand the power of the intangible only once
i've lusted and time has bent me over
because it feels better that way
you are the prettiest organ
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[20 Apr 2005|04:05pm] |
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its so hott and icky.gross. i want the rain and the thunder and lightening and the night and the stars and the woods and the rivers and streams and wide open fields and abandoned buildings. i do not like the summer and the heat and the over crowded beaches and the mindless tourists and the sand and the sweat and the sunburns and the bathing suits. and the end.
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[18 Apr 2005|11:42pm] |
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i wrote about my day with lizz, rome and andrew but lizz said I didnt use enough adjectives to describe our adventure so i deleted it. i really want to remember this day but i'm too depressed at the moment...I think i need to stop smoking pot because i see things to clearly when i am stoned and it makes me very depressed because I don't want to see the reality...which makes no sense at all because usually it is the other way around. whatever. today was surreal and it couldnt have been better, honestly, but something inside of myself would not let me enjoy it as much as I should have. something is missing from my life and i think i know what it is and i want it back. maybe my weekend was just alittle too much fun...fuck, i've got some serious baggage. whatever color i used to wear, it was alot lighter than this.
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[18 Apr 2005|01:17pm] |
I am stealing this from Roman's journal because I think he depicted our night alot better than I did in my previous entry...so, thanks Rome :) I hope you don't mind.
Last night continued across the street at the Blue Room afterparty held at a chique apartment with loud techno music blaring in the family room. Ben Caro met us in the lobby and gently guided us towards the elevators. Once in the elevator, he started laughing uncontrollably and squatted down in the corner. "Guys! I was just acting! I'm actually REALLY DRUNK!!!" said Ben, noting that he hadn't been so happy and drunk at the same time in a long while. Andrew, Jenna, Liz and I crashed the party and made various impressions upon various people. Kevin introduced me to Goldenshnauzer; consequentially, I became highly innebriated. Comparitively, Andrew became totally smashed. As we were leaving, Andrew yelled, "Fuck you!" at a girl, her boyfriend and his two friends. Naturally, the men were somewhat annoyed at his actions and demanded an apology. Andrew quickly apologized to everyone. "But I really meant that, you know? Fuck them. They're a bunch of assholes," said Andrew as we were walking back to our dorms. Man, we would have gotten the shit kicked out of us had Andrew not apologized.
The night commenced with a very chill evening at Hamhouse in Alex Schuster's bitchin pad. I met Olga, the libertarian Ruski, and sumo wrestled her "economics major" brain, coming to the conclusion that we are all naive fucks. The stake we ate was seasoned perfectly for the occasion. The cheesy grits - I'm sorry, Laine - were pretty horrible. The cold ones served their purpose. Ben Shurtlef had many more cold ones than I. We danced to Bowie, Ferdinand, Blondie, Talking Heads and Radioheads, among others. Jimmie, Alex and Andrew all showed off how great they were at playing guitar. We sang the Chili Peppers like we were the fucking Chili Peppers. Liz and Jenna brought some Malibu and we finished it off pretty fast, though Ben wasn't a big fan of it at all, claiming that it tasted like shit. I told him that it tasted great and that he should fuck off. (I didn't actually tell him to fuck off, nor did I think it, but I felt like I needed to say that.) Michelle Forelle didn't do or say anything special all night, so screw her. Oh yeah. She made mushrooms, but who cares? The night at Alex's came to a close with some unexpected, somewhat humerous makeoutage.
(hmmm...wonder who that last sentence could be about...lol)
last night was even more random than the one before...I somehow
.....errrrrrrr nevermind
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[18 Apr 2005|03:45am] |
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this has been the weirdest weekend in my entire life.
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[17 Apr 2005|05:20pm] |
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so i tacked tatys comforter and sheets to my ceiling to make a fort and i am keeping them there till she gets back on tuesday. last night after the play lizz and i went to ham house to dance and drink with alex and 6 other people and i ended up hooking up with jimmy who ended up bleeding all over my face "my friend does not have aids" so then jimmy and I moved to the bathroom while the rest ate nachos and Ben got shit shits and left to go please his gf Lesley. so the 4 of us (lizz, roman, andrew and I) went on to our cast party at around 2am. i ended up hooking up with andrew and willy which was really funny and I forgot about it untill this morning when Lizz called and said she wanted to talk about "last night" and now i am laying in bed with lizz looking at all of the pics from last night and the 2 movies we made and i wish i could somehow put them on the internet. if anyone knows how to put movies up let me know!!! okay so i just hit "update" and lizz said I needed to talk more about the will experience. will wanted to "put his penis inmy vagina and fucking like rabbits allll nighttt longggg" and i think the entire cast saw me hooking up with him cause we kinda did it in the middle of the room...but it's okay! becuase okay im just gonna stop typing...
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